a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
