She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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