I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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