Will you blow on my dice?
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
