Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Randomize
