Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
