I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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