two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
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