I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Randomize
