i need an iv and a liver transplant
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
