Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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