My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
