oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.