I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Randomize
