If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
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