He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
