Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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