I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
