I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
