Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
