he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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