Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
