a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
you had me at cake vodka
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
