My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
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