Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
