on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
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