i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
