I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
