he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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