Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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