i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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