I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
We talked him into tasing himself.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
