tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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