Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
That reminds me...we need to get swords
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
