she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
