those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Randomize
