I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
