White coat. Heels.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
