remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
