Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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