Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
