I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
