He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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