She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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