I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
