I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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