Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
