i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Congratulations! We have a period
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
