I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
