I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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