Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Randomize
