i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Randomize
