Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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